Do you ever want something? And then you keep really wanting it? And then you want it really badly but nothing happens? And then you get semi-upset over not getting it? And then you think that maybe it’s not something you need? But then you think about whether or not you do need it? And then you think that if you want it badly enough, it will happen? And so you start wanting it all over again?
Yeah, that’s me right about now.
I don’t want to say what it is that I want, but I am getting a little impatient because I’ve been wanting this thing for a while. Maybe impatient isn’t the right word. Maybe it should be something more like “I feel like I deserve it,” or “I’ve earned it,” or ”It’s about time that something happened.” I guess a little impatience shows through all of those, but I’ve also been patient for so long that it’s become a natural reaction when I don’t get this “want”. When this want seems to go a different direction, I automatically revert back to “Oh, it’ll happen eventually.” Well “eventually” has been going on for a while now.
I don’t really know what to think about it because it always ends up the same. I never get it, and then I go back to relying on hope that it will happen some day. Sometimes hope is the only thing worth holding on to, but I feel like this hope should become a reality too. Otherwise I might go insane and become a bitter woman.
So there it is. Wanting, hoping… Wishin’ and hopin’ and thinkin’ and prayin’, Plannin’ and dreamin’…
Catch my drift?
Sorry if this post isn’t making much sense, but I thought if I wrote down how I was feeling, I could make some sense of it. I guess I could try and take some action, but I don’t even know “what” is worth going after. I know what I want, but not specifically. Even so, I do want some form of it…and if it does work out, I’d prefer it be the whole package.
Let me know if you have any suggestions. Obviously what I’ve reverted to in the past (telling myself “It’ll happen someday”) hasn’t been working. If you would, please pray for me to find what it is I’m looking for, even though I don’t know exactly what it is. And in return, I’ll post a story about whatever happens if the prayers really do reveal their mighty power. Thank you.
You absolutely deserve it, whatever it is. You may have to go where it is more often and see if it notices you. You may have to nudge it to see if it responds. You may have to try it to figure out if you want it or something different. You may not get the “whole package” right away or it may be disguised. Time will tell. You are always in my prayers. It will happen.
Grandma once told me to “never grow a wishbone where a backbone ought to be.” Whatever it is… you have to stop wishing for it and take the first step to achieving it. Be determined. The first step is always the hardest, but nothing happens without a first step. I will pray that you find the strength to take the first step. You are in my prayers always…
I love you, Lauren.